I know Sinful Sunday is all about the image but I hope you’ll bear with me this once.
This is my submission for the January prompt “new.”
Sometime in early 2014 I sat across from one of my best friends at lunch and responded to his usual query of “You shag any blokes off the internet yet?” With something to the effect of, “I think maybe I’m over dating. I just don’t think there are any guys out there who would want me.”
He did his best to reassure me. He argued for the hundredth time that I just needed to find someone to have no-strings sex with. I, for the hundredth time, thought “I’d love to, but how?”
A couple of months later, at the same bar, when the same friend asked the same question, I was able to nod my head and smile slyly (more like beam from ear to ear) in reply.
“What?!” He incredulously asked. “You had sex with some man off the internet this weekend?”
“Yes!” I practically squealed. The shocked look on his face was priceless, I’ll never forget it. In stunned silence he simply raised his hand up in the air for a high five.
“Well done.” He said, then grilled me for details.
He revealed that he’d been very worried about me ever since he’d heard me say I didn’t think anyone would want me. He knew it wasn’t true, but didn’t know how to get it through my head.
He knew my history. He knew that I was a virgin until my late twenties and that I had only ever slept with one person. He knew I needed to break out, sleep with other people, but couldn’t figure out how to get me to do it.
I didn’t know the answer either. I can’t pinpoint a specific thing that happened in 2014 to make me email that first guy on OKCupid for no-strings sex. I think it was a combination of things. I had been seeing a therapist I really liked for a little over a year to talk about my self image issues. I decided to talk to more men on OKCupid, even if it wasn’t going to lead to a date, even if they didn’t live near me. I decided to stop looking at these men as potential life partners and to just look at them as interesting people to interact with. I was introduced to Sinful Sunday and all the beautiful people sharing themselves here and thought “If they can do it, I can do it!” I started reading many of your blogs and learned what other kinds of healthy relationships and sex lives could look like. And, if I’m honest, my ex got into a new relationship and “needed” me less. (This last one shames me to admit but I know it was a factor).
All of those things helped push me but in the end, I am the one who emailed the OKC guy with the dom-flavored profile about no-strings sex. I am the one who went to meet him. I am the one who decided I liked him and wanted to have sex with him. I am the one who learned I liked choking on his cock till tears ran down my face. I am the one who reached out to more men I found interesting, or responded to men who reached out to me. I am the one who changed her OKCupid profile to non-monogamous. I am the one who turned strangers into friends and lovers over sexy text messages. I am the one who started a blog just so I could post that first, shy, tame Sinful Sunday picture of my feet.
I am the one. This year, I made myself new.
I love this new me. I’m myself, but shinier, more confident, sexier, bolder. I allow myself to want now, and to take.