I always wanted to be head-turningly hot. I wanted to be the kind of person that when you see her walking down the street, you can’t help but notice her.
I remember specifically talking to a friend about this when I was 19 or 20. I matter-of-factly/glumly-fishing-for-a-compliment-said, “I’m not the kind of girl you’d see in a mall and do a double-take.”
He said something soft and complimentary, but I didn’t believe him and I didn’t believe that he believed it either. Oh, I thought I was nice, and a catch in some ways. I just felt like I wasn’t noticeable. Later, my first boyfriend said that I was a “slow burn” which I took to mean that my attractiveness grew slowly, that it didn’t hit people right away. I’m not opposed to that role. I like the phrase “slow burn” and was/am happy enough with that. But, sometimes, I want to be a lightning bolt. A jolt. A double-take.
With hindsight and experience, I realize that I probably was that hot when I was 19. Fit (though of course I thought I was fat) and pretty. But I didn’t believe it and I know now that believing it is 90% of what makes someone head-turningly hot. A person owning themselves, knowing themselves, and carrying themselves as if they belong wherever they are, as if they know exactly who they are and what they’re worth and don’t give two fucks if anyone around them agrees, that person is almost always noticeable.
Eye contact doesn’t hurt either.
Most days, I still don’t think I am head-turningly hot, and many days, it isn’t important. You don’t want to be the center of attention all day, every day. But I know now that it isn’t usually an attribute, something that you just are or aren’t. It is a feeling you have, a thing you can be, if you choose to.
It is about attitude, confidence, swagger, more than it is about any specific detail or feature. There are some days, when I am feeling particularly fabulous, that I *do* feel head-turningly hot. Maybe I’m wearing a particularly sexy skirt, or just gave a great presentation at work, or spent the morning exchanging messages with someone hot. On those days I do walk down the street with my head up, my stride confident, my smile wide, glancing at people as I glide by. Those are great days.
On those days, you can bet heads are turning.